Alright, getting back to talking about Veterans again, so we will just jump right into the topic for tonight of Minds and Mindset.
Went out to dinner last night to celebrate a family members birthday. Needless to say, too many people and was not a fun night mentally for me overall. Initially I sat down where I felt most comfortable for me, away from the main table with my back to the wall. Said family member comes over makes me sit at the end of the table they were all at. I tried explaining that I did not feel comfortable there, so she closes the blinds on the windows behind that chair. While I appreciate the effort of shutting the blinds, that doesn’t suddenly solve the issue. I also appreciate the fact that everyone felt “bad” that I was sitting alone and wanted me to feel “included,” however I did not feel bad that I was sitting at a table by myself, I felt calmer there with my back against the wall than I had prior to that point (walking in, talking with family, crowded area, etc etc). So to appease her I went ahead and sat down where she asked me to. I then spent the entire dinner overly anxious, uneasy, uncomfortable, and constantly on guard. Got back home, decompressed, dealt with it. Done and over with, she had a fun time, food was delicious
One thing I realized from that experience, and I am not sure how many others feel this way, if it is “normal” to feel this way or not, but while others felt bad and felt I was being left out, I felt bad that they felt that way, I felt like it was my fault they felt that way, I felt like I was ruining the fun. I know most of the people I regularly have contact with do not understand why I am the way I am, the reason I do things the way I do, the impacts this has had on me and my personality, the things I feel, or even what is going on in my head, hell I don’t even understand it all most of the time, I just know this is how I am now and I have gotten used to it. I have considered myself “boring” ever since I got out of the Army because I don’t enjoy things that “normal” people like, hell I even blame that side of myself, among other feelings, for me not being able to hold down a steady relationship.
I guess what I am saying is just let them do it at their pace, let them do it when they feel comfortable, don’t force it on them because that only makes things worse. Don’t feel bad about their decision, show some empathy – “hey whenever you are ready, we would love for you to come join us, no rush at all, we want you to feel comfortable, but we would enjoy your company,” hell you could even go sit down next to them and talk with them. I don’t know, I do not claim to have all the answers, because I most definitely do not, just like my fellow Veterans, this is a daily battle for me and I deal with it the best that I can. Compassion goes a long way.
Anyway, off for the night, glad I got this out. Honestly thinking about it as I wrote all this, that anxiety kicked back in and I started feeling everything I felt last night, so this post definitely took much longer to type than I thought it would. Anyway, I hope y’all have a great rest of your day or night (depending on when you read this) and I will see you again on the next one.
As always, I love every one of y’all, especially my fellow Vets, if ANY of my fellow Vets need someone to talk to, please reach out to me, I am ALWAYS here for you.
IF YOU ARE A VETERAN WHO NEEDS HELP, YOU ARE NOT ALONE – YOU ARE LOVED – YOU ARE NEEDED!
CALL – 988 – OPTION 1
TEXT – 838255
CALL – 800-799-4889
CALL – 844-889-5610
GO TO – WWW.VETERANSCRISISLINE.NET
GO TO – WWW.STOPSOLDIERSUICIDE.ORG/GET-HELP
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